As many of you are already aware, Johann and I go on a purifying, detoxifying, holiday fat-fighting diet every January. This year’s diet has been vegan, which means absolutely no animal products of any kind; no meat, poultry, fish, eggs or dairy. Even staple breakfast food yogurt has been banned.
I was pretty happy with the results, until our La Redoute catalog arrived in the mail. La Redoute is the French equivalent of the Sears catalog. It has men’s, women’s and children’s clothing, accessories, furniture, appliances, etc. I was flipping through it when I noticed something that I wished I had seen on January first, before I spent thirty days depriving myself of steak with creamy peppercorn sauce and a side of fries: skinny jeans. No, really. Jeans that MAKE YOU THINNER.
The text in the pink box above says, “The ‘slimming’ jeans, worn regularly, combat cellulite and guarantee a thinner, firmer silhouette in just 28 days!” The page goes on to say that the jeans have been infused with a solution made from green tea, red grapevines and peaches, micro-encapsulted within the fibers of the denim and proven to improve skintone and circulation, as well as reducing the appearance of cellulite and overall circumference of areas covered by the jeans, up to 20 washes. The jeans have been clinically tested, it says, and its makers guarantee a loss of .7 inches from each thigh. I don’t know what “wear regularly” means to them, but I would be willing to sleep in them, even shower in them, if necessary.
Could this possibly work? I could wear the jeans constantly during the prescribed timeframe and then, nearly an inch slimmer, buy a new pair in the next size down and start again! And I wouldn’t have to deprive myself of food I love, like french fries. I could keep salt and ketchup packets in any one of the jeans’s five pockets!
And just when I thought I had seen it all, I spotted the top on the opposite page, which comes in four colors and claims to hydrate the skin, while giving off the delicate scent of sweet almonds or roses (your choice). Drunk on possibility, I scanned the page to find out what the sunglasses and belt do, imagining shades that add points to your I.Q. and a belt that does your taxes. Disappointingly, the accessories pictured do not do anything special, other than make you look like the type of person who shops at Sears.
That said, though, I think I am going to give this outfit a try. I’ll let you know how it goes. Even if the experiment is an utter failure, this company deserves my money just for trying. I mean, this is the type of revolutionary synthesis of science, fashion and entrepreneurial spirit that one wouldn’t normally associate with the French. Jeans that make you skinny and a top that makes you smell like roses are just damn good ideas. Well done, France. You’ve impressed me. I take my pants off to you.