Letter to a Nation

Dear France,

Listen, we have to talk. I think that we both know that lately, things haven’t been going so well. Now, don’t freak out. We’re not breaking up or anything.

I still love your gourmet cooking, your affordable but delicious wines, your fine weather, your enchanting scenery, the sound of your beautiful language… And it’s the little things, too: the straw baskets women bring to the open markets to carry home their produce, your perfectly buttery croissants, the way you refuse to embrace Crocs (which, let’s be honest, are the ugly bastard shoe children of those 80s jelly sandals and the clog)…

But there is a problem, here, so I suppose I should get to the point. I just don’t feel like you’re making an effort in some pretty sizable aspects of our relationship. Internet service, for example. Now I’m sure you are aware of the importance of the internet in our daily lives, unless you haven’t picked up a magazine or read a newspaper since the day before the internet was invented. And, as you know, we haven’t had internet service for THREE WEEKS now.

Yes, I admit that upon calling Wanadoo for service, a technician did, in fact, turn up at our house and attempt to diagnose the problem. And having lived here for nearly five years and being familiar with the Wanadoo way of doing things, I didn’t really expect that his visit would result in our service being restored. So don’t accuse me of having unrealistic expectations. But here’s the thing: after he left the house, not only did the internet not work, but our phone was out of service, too. So the Wanadoo guy not only didn’t fix anything, things were actually MORE BROKEN when he left.

A week later, my phone rang and on the other end was a man from Wanadoo who said he was calling to ask if my home phone was working. DUDE, YOU’RE CALLING ME ON MY HOME PHONE!!! “Yes, it’s working,” I said politely, adding under my breath, “Idiot.”

Now, can you blame me if I “wanna do” something drastic like burn down their corporate headquarters?

Yes, yes, I realize that the fact that I’ve blogged this to you means that I have access to the internet at this very moment, but that is only because I am sitting in the only establishment within 30 miles of my house to offer free Wifi service. And it’s a McDonald’s. MCDONALD’S!!! That’s the best you can do? In fact, I’m not even going to give you credit for that, since it’s an American company and all.

And you call yourself the birthplace of the Age of Reason? Shame on you.

So here’s the deal. You need to get it together. I know how you hate ultimatums, but if I don’t see you make more of an effort, here, I’m going to think about seeing other countries. Modern countries. Technologically advanced countries. Countries like Japan or Germany.

The ball’s in your court, France.


2 thoughts on “Letter to a Nation

  1. Awesome…just awesome! Well, not about the service part anyway… Miss you Lis! フランスのITの人はバカじゃないか?頑張って!

  2. Oh come on! Three weeks is Nothing!! Try five months and then “bas debit”. (it just took me three hours to write this…) hahahahahhhahahahhahahahhahhahahhahhathelaughofinsanityhahahahhhahha

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