Not So Intelligent Life

I have a lot of policies that I live by. Rules, so to speak, that govern the way I navigate life. You couldn’t really call them morals or ethics, because they apply to things that are too trivial to be governed by such lofty ideals. No, they’re definitely “policies.” For instance, one of my policies is that I will not purchase anything from a store with a name that involves improper spelling, punctuation or grammar. For example, there’s a lovely furniture shop between Aix and Marseille that I won’t allow myself to buy anything from (even though everything in it is gorgeous) because it’s called “Interior’s.” To purchase an ottoman at this store would just be encouraging misuse of the possesive, I feel.

Anyway, I broke one of my policies today. I have a strict policy against buying any magazine with a picture of Paris Hilton on the cover, and not just because I can’t stand to have her horsey face staring vacantly at me from the magazine rack. It’s because I want mankind to get over its obsession with the fact that this completely useless human being is needlessly famous. It’s a self-fulfiling prophecy, people! You’re making her more famous by writing articles about how pointless she is! I feel like I do my part to discourage this behavior by not reading anything that’s written about her. So you can imagine my disappointment with the people at Intelligent Life when I saw the cover pictured above.

What’s up with this, Intelligent Life? You’re a subsidiary of The Economist! Shame on you. And don’t get me started on the photo… You actually expect me to believe Paris Hilton is reading a BOOK? Let alone a book by Tolstoy? You’re not fooling anybody, Intelligent Life. Her EYES ARE CLOSED, for crying out loud! Yes, I realize that a photo of Paris Hilton reading a book is meant to be ironic to everyone but Paris Hilton, who likely thinks that “irony” is an adjective describing a shirt someone has just pressed for her. But anyone not temporarily blinded by the weight of her own false eyelashes can see that your cover still features a photo of a grown woman who is wearing eyeshadow and lipgloss with glitter in it. And that’s beneath you. In fact, it demeans us all.

So why did I buy this, then? I needed two watch batteries replaced, and the only shop in town that does this is the newsagent. I had to spend a minimum of €10 to use my credit card, so I had to buy something. This was the only magazine they had in English. You see, I also have a policy against being late for things (it’s inconsiderate) so I really needed the watch batteries. But it’s clear now that I need to create a policy for situations where my policies conflict with one another. I’ll let you know when I come up with one.


9 thoughts on “Not So Intelligent Life

  1. Girl, you’re on fire, cranking out these posts!! Leave it to you to see this magazine and immediately realize the Blog Potential. One of my favorite shop names is BS, the cosmetic shop in Hyper U. BS!

  2. That’s what’s great about France, isn’t it? Living in a nation where there are beverages named “Psshit!” means nearly everything is blog-worthy. (BS! Love it!)

  3. [いいですね] I know you’re writing all this to cheer me up (of course it isn’t but I like to think it is!) because it is the only thing (your blog) which does at the moment.
    All this is great: carry on girl even if you have to drink some strangely named drinks.
    I loath (really) that girl too: she is a waste of (small but still too big) space and a shame to our kind. There are so many amazingly gorgeous and talented women around that it is offensive that they should decide to write an article on her, especially an “intellectual” magazine. But that’s the way it is.

  4. Don’t be hard on the magazine, or yourself. We can’t help but pay attention to Paris, at this point. I’m going to plug my book a minute here and mention that I first theorized the “Paris Principle” back in the summer of 2008, when I considered revoking her status as “The Best Gossiple.” The moment I did that, she took over the news and thereby proved that she is able to violate the laws of thermodynamics and also that this mathematical maxim:Attention = greater attentionIt’s all in “Do Pizza Samples Really Exist?” I’m ecstatic that my theorem is true.But enough about me — as if that could be possible– this is a great piece. Give us more of your rules for living!Is in fact true.

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